tildystar's Xanga

::snow driving feels a bit like space travel.::

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 05:24:33 GMT

we're getting quite the snowstorm. it had set in b/f i left angela's house tonight, where we celebrated renee's birthday. i took the longer, slower, flatter route home, thankful marks. had put a new set of winter tires on my car last month. there was no rush as far as i was concerned, and even at my snail's pace, i couldn't help noticing how, w/ seeming lighting speed, the snowflakes flew towards my windshield in a way that reminded me of sci-fi movie scenes involving flight through space. suddenly, the snowflakes were thousands of stars... mesmerizing. butonlyforamoment, b/c, staring at the snow/stars is the equivalent of trying to drive while focusing on the end of one's car hood, and not on the road beyond... paying attention to where i was going meant paying close attention to the road conditions, being aware if there was ice in addition to the snow... some stretches had seen a snowplow already, and some had not. my favorite stretches of road were where the wind had picked up blankets of snow, like a wavy mist, pouring over and around the trail ahead of and behind me. i could have parked and just watched it for a while. made me think that must be what the moon must be like, or some planet, w/ their dry-ice, foggy, wave of precipitation moving around just inches above the surface. i feel like i did some space travel tonight.

images.13::

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 04:23:00 GMT

as Christmas-y as i've felt recently, none of these photos really depict Christmas. 'tis fine. pretty things need not be saved for a more fitting time.

pretty wedding colors::

it snowed here, finally.... i've always loved the fun, happiness of this shot::

sally jane vintage::

both quote images in this post from lara's tumblr::

clayton austin! fun engagement shoot::

sister-friend~*'s end of the year mosaic. beautifully stunning perfection::

bebe::

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 01:55:14 GMT

hey, bebe. week 18/19.

wow, time has flown since i last wrote you... i'm exhausted right now, bebe. kind of been a theme the past few weeks. tomorrow, we'll be 19 weeks. i read that you can hear my heartbeat, now, but, i've assumed you could hear me talking to you already. and, if you are listening, you've been hearing lots of music by our friends, the Left, and some classical music, and lots and lots of Christmas tunes.

i felt you moving inside me last week. it felt so weird and cool and delightful, all at the same time... you were moving around a lot for a couple of days, there. since then, i either got used to the sensation, or, you've been taking it easy.

daddy got to hear your heartbeat w/ me today. it was so very special, and he told me tonight how fascinating that was to him. that was probably the highlight of my pregnancy thus far, bebe.

hello, perspective::

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 05:07:08 GMT

the year is rapidly coming to a close. i've been thinking of devoting a post or two to a year-end recap, touching on some things i've learned about life this year... then, tonight, i ran across some quotes i'd saved and forgotten about... the following quote not only expresses one of the greatest themes of 2009 better than i ever could, but, it challenges me to furthur view my life and other people only with the love that comes from knowing Christ.

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable.
Be honest and transparent anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People who really want help may attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt.
Give the world your best anyway."

-Mother Teresa

he's pretty wonderful because...::

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 05:14:47 GMT

...this morning, out of nowhere, he turned to me with "you know what? next time i need to order you a mcdonald's hamburger, i'm asking for extra pickles. i know you'll like that."

images.12::

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 17:52:35 GMT

this week has been the start of our winter, here in BC... for the first time in weeks, we've had a few days in a row of sunny skies, and each morning there is a frost on the ground... puts me in the mood for this::

FANTASTIC, inspiring art shot by alyssa welch::

exhaustion. yet, writing::

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 06:10:14 GMT

feels like it should be the weekend already. not that i'm wishing it away.... marks. and i will be going to see the Left play tomorrow night... so much going on, and so much has happened.

i guess the biggest news is that glory died. when i awoke yesterday morning, she was in the same position i'd put her in monday night b/f i told her goodnight... i am extremely grateful i did not have to take her to the vet [i would have done so tuesday, based on how she was responding, or rather, not, responding, monday.] to be put to sleep. i could tell she was done, her systems were shutting down, and she seemed to be peaceful and without pain, so, her passing came as no surprise, and with the sorrow, some relief... marks. dug her a grave and made a little cross, and i wrapped her body in some fabric and put her in a plastic bag b/f we buried her. she looked like a little stuffed doll. i already miss her so much. it's amazing how attached a person can become to an animal. her love and devotion and sweet personality were a continual part of my life since i was NINE years old. wow. the past two days, i've been so filled w/ gratitude to God for giving me such a sweet gift, and even being in the details of glory's passing...

on a happier note, i am 18 weeks pregnant today. i think my appetite has increased the past few days, which frightens me a little. heh.

it seems that since i learned of my pregnancy, i've lost the ability to keep my kitchen sink and countertop cleared of dishes and cookware... i must confess to waiting until we have absolutely no silverware or dishes to eat from b/f i will tackle the chore. and i have a dishwasher! anyway, my biggest accomplishment from today [as well as folding and putting away a mountain of laundry.] was to clean my kitchen. so nice to have everything washed up from the thanksgiving meal i made last thursday.

today was my long day at work; 6 1/2 hours... when kids have free time or watch a movie, i usually have the opportunity to do something personal, if i desire to use that time as such. today, i made a Christmas garland. i've had squares of felt that i'd purchased at a quilt shop, months ago, and decided last week that i wanted to make something for Christmas with them... i haven't made time to do anything craft-ish in so very long, i was quite excited when inspiration struck for this pretty novelty... thus, i cut my felt squares into strips, and have constructed the prettiest "felt [not] paperchain" i've ever seen. the next time i find beautiful felt squares again, i'll be buying lots; i feel this decoration could become a fun gift for my friends... or just a favorite addiction.

we're dog-sitting jeremy and tasha's little yorkie pup, gilligan. he's pretty cute, and gets around pretty quickly for a puppy w/ three legs.

i have the day off work tomorrow. i'm so glad i got on top of the housework today so that i can work on other projects tomorrow. the weather is supposed to be fantastic over the next few days, which bodes well for my need to take some walks w/ geoffrey and bebe.

when i don't write::

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 01:52:00 GMT

...i have so many ideas for what to write about. once i do make time to check in here, i can't seem to remember my life at all.

it has been a wonderful week w/ marks. home. being alone had settled into enough of a degree of "normalcy" after a month that i was doing lots of things socially that i haven't done in a long time, but, having marks. back is way better.

for some reason, i have been thinking that my body is functioning on a normal level again and i keep forgetting to eat frequently. i nearly threw up yesterday from pushing lunch too long, and i have yet to feel completely satisfied today. pretty sure i will be having a late-night bowl of cereal, a new favorite habit.

in the past week, glory's health has suddenly declined. she is currently resting beside me, but, she has spent the past three days lying in front of our warm fireplace, too lethargic to move. i am quite sure she is in renal failure; i'm having a hard time deciding if/when we should intervene. she doesn't seem to be in pain right now, but, i'm trying to keep aware if she does reach that point. she has been a part of my life since i was nine; having my childhood kitty [and geoffrey] with me over the past 2+ years of major life change has been a true gift, and emotional comfort. it's difficult to experience this right now, so, i'm not indulging too many emotions.

last week was full of lovely things. marks. and i [finally] got to have our Christmas portraits taken! i wanted to do a departure from last year's "life is a traveling circus" theme, and i think we acheived that. i'm pleased with the results, so, now it's a question of whether i'll get my act together and get Christmas cards sent out.

with our trip south for Christmas approaching rapidly, i had pretty much decided that i would skip thanksgiving, and mope a bit and call my family to hear about their thanksgiving at mawmaw's... kind of last minute, i decided to try my hand at a small-scale turkey dinner for me and marks. [and melody, who shot our pics.]... it was a success! i was sooo glad to celebrate the holiday here, even if we were the only household in mission who ate turkey and stuffing that day.

i finished my responsible adult training courses on saturday. soooo happy to have my weekends back, though, i did learn a lot and enjoyed so many parts of each session.

last friday, i found someone to cover for me at club kids, so i could spend the day in vancouver in the studio with melody... i styled two photoshoots. it was a busy, productive, and rewarding day; i had a blast. hope we'll get a chance to do more together in the future.

if i remember anything else to write about, i'll make a note of it and come back later.

bebe::

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:36:34 GMT

hey bebe. week 16.

your daddy is coming home tonight, bebe! he told me i would see him tomorrow morning, but, when he called to tell me goodnight, the unmistakable sound of road noise filled my ear. i rarely try to discover a surprise when i sense one is coming, bebe [you're a good example of that, since we'll wait 'till you make an appearance to actually find out if you're a girlorboy.], but, tonight, i couldn't stop asking questions until daddy admitted he was indeed driving home to surprise me. i'm sure you could feel the surprise inside me.

i think i've begun to feel you move, when i am still and quiet. it's nothing too dramatic, yet.

this week was a good one, bebe. i'm tired tonight, b/c, we've stayed so busy while daddy has been away. i should probably write an apology to my body for abusing it slightly... with daddy returning, i know i'll get more rest, and that will be good for both of us.

what is it with you and mcdonald's hamburgers, though?? seriously, i go over a decade w/ a near aversion to that kind of food, and suddenly this week, we're contributing towards "billions sold" at a very rapid pace. i think we can safely identify this as my first pregnancy craving, bebe. i love that last bite with the pickle and ketchup and mustard! just to get one thing straight:: don't expect me to take you there very often or much or... ever... after you're on this side of things, k?

when i wake up each morning, i look in the mirror to see if you've given me a bebe belly. by the time i go to bed at night, there appears to be a small one, but, it disappears while i sleep or something b/c, in the morning, nothing. it's okay; you take your time. i like my clothes right now and bought a new skirt for Christmas portraits on thursday [your first official photoshoot! i'm sure we'll figure out a way to include you, so, no worries.]. you got to say hello with a ::bump:: against melody's bebe belly yesterday; i hope you were happy to meet your first friend.

mommy has been thinking a lot, bebe. you'll learn i do this at times, sometimes a lot; i'm sure you'll become the subject of many of my thinkings and thoughts and prayers... my thoughts the past little while have revolved around the change that your life brings to mine [and daddy's.]. i welcome the change, bebe. it will be, as so many things have been in the past few years, a great adventure. it's so awesome you get to join me and daddy with our adventures, as we follow the path on which God guides us...

...i generally don't leave a season of life w/o giving it much consideration and process... i know there's no going back. i embrace the new season fully when i've done a bit of analyzing... here's a little taste of that, bebe. sorry if you couldn't really be bothered...

...someone wrote me recently, happy for the news of you, and mentioned how we'd jumped on the baby train, with all the other couple's our age. now, bebe, i know people have loving intentions when they say things like that, but, your daddy and i are the kind of people who don't necessarily do things just because "that's what you're supposed to be doing, now.". we have always desired and done our best to seek God and His direction, and live to please Him first. you're our little surprise, and i'll tell you more about that some other time... but, mommy being who she is, i have a hard time not balking a bit when people assume they know what motivates me. i have a very deep desire to be understood, and, i will be quick to say that i know that isn't always important, or high on God's agenda for me. having heard from my lovely friend, though, i started getting into some sticky thinking about what other people think and what they will think and how they will treat me now that you are here, and post-may, when you decide to meet everyone and become my little tagalong/extra appendage/etc... it really bothers me when young mothers cannot seem to be friends with or relate to anyone who isn't also in the same season of life... i'm SO thankful for the friends i've been given who already have young children, and still want me to hang out and spend time with them. commonality and love for people isn't exclusive to finding others just like me... i don't really know what fear materialized from this thought process, but, one did, and i think it had something to do with having to change in order to be a mommy. happily, God has sorted my brain and heart out, reminding me not to focus on being a people-pleaser, but on pleasing HIM. i know i will need that reminder again and again, bebe...

i was also reminded by an amazing friend, "your children don't define you."... it's a good thought, and one i've held onto ever since. yes, you're going to change my life! you're going to change our lives... it's going to be so neat to experience the role and identity of being a mommy. i really can't wait. it's going to be the hardest thing i've ever tried to do, i have no doubt. my prayer, bebe, is that i won't turn you into a "project", will not see you as a list that can be checked off, and that i never turn you into the source of my happiness or identity, b/c, that would be to make you my idol. you are not coming into my life to make me look good to others; i hope i won't ever put that pressure on you... i might sin and do all of those things, sometimes, and i pray for God to Graciously prepare my heart to respond to the work He will do through you as part of my life. my desire is to love you as God loves you. and love you a lot.

have a good week, bebe. i'm sure you'll love hearing daddy's voice as much i as do, very soon.

just, joy::

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 03:38:00 GMT

my heart felt really happy today. i don't know what factors played into the whole of it... really good hair day? could be that marks. is headed home in a few days [tuesday! mark your calendars!! ]... a month w/o each other is a really long time. i cannot wait to be together again.

the house is a bit of a mess... i'm cleaning monday morning b/f work, and will hopefully get caught up on a few organizational projects b/f december hits... i need to make a run through the border crossing and hit the grocery store in washington, b/c, i've a few necessary ingredients for Christmas goodies... and! i've decided to make a turkey dinner for us on thursday . just a turkey breast and fixings; i figure that is ambitious enough for this year. marks. and i will hopefully be getting some Christmas portraits made that morning! it hasn't stopped raining here for nearly 2 weeks, so, we'll see if the weather cooperates.

i've had three saturdays in a row where i have attended "responsible adult training". at first, i was a bit annoyed that was required as a part of my job [20 hours, total... still have next saturday then i'm done.], but, i have REALLY liked all the seminars i've attended. the past two weekends, my sessions have been at columbia Bible college in abbotsford.... today's focus was child obesity and nutritional security [which is an interesting concept i'd never heard about before today.]... last week, the sessions were "relational guidance" and "counterwill", both very well-presented from a material and application standpoint... stuff i can use as both a child-worker and my impending role as a mommee. next week's course is "child development", which makes my inner psychologist very happy.

i did a little Christmas shopping this afternoon/evening, which was fun. then, i headed over to cedar grove baptist, where a women's Christmas event was being held... my friend, susan hill, asked me [late thursday night .] if i could do a demonstration on scarf-tying... scarf-wearing is definitely something i'm well-versed in doing, thus, i agreed, and participated in tonight's event by demonstrating multiple ways one could wear a scarf. lol. it was really fun, and the largest group i've addressed to date [around 250 people.]. i also took business cards and ran my photos on a slideshow, but, i couldn't tell if that generated much interest [not many cards were picked up.].

i need to get going... i don't feel tired, but, the body needs rest.